As Mamas learning to trust God can sometimes feel like such a difficult commitment.
We trust Him with our hearts. Our money. Our homes. Nearly every detail of our lives we trust to Him. But our children? Our stories? Our bodies? Do we really trust Him to handle it all? Do we really believe that His ways are better than our ways- His plans better than ours?
If you had asked me if I was fully trusting in God a couple of months ago- I would have given a resounding “YES!” Right up until the moment when I realized I wasn’t..
Living with Abandon
A few years ago on a church youth trip God called me to ‘live with abandon’. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time.
Other than the title of a Newsboys song, I was pretty clueless. But I trusted even back then that this was what was best for me. Little by little I started handing over pieces of myself- pieces of my life. I had already received salvation, but God was calling me deeper.
At first I was excited to hand everything over. Deleting apps off my phone that took up too much of my time. Forgoing certain shows, music, or places. Bit by bit, I let go of things that were not edifying. They slipped from my grasp and were hardly missed. There were a couple of things that were difficult to part with. Some of them simply because I didn’t understand why, but eventually God would reveal the reason.
Trusting Him with my kids though- that one felt hard. Deep down I knew my God. I knew that He had made them. I knew that He knew them better than me. But somehow letting go felt like saying I didn’t care. It hit me one day that I wasn’t really enjoying them anymore because I was trying so hard to play the part that I needed to hand over to God.
The thing is as Mamas, we still have times of worry, but we know where to take it. And deep down, we know that God is far more capable of handling them than we are.
He is the one writing their story- not me. We’ve been blessed with this time to steward them- to aim His arrows- but only He knows their real target.
Tackling Trust Issues
I thought that I had given Him everything. My dreams, my plans. I felt that I had submitted to His plan a long time ago. The pieces of the puzzle He had given me- I built my life on those in absolute faith. I trusted fully in His plans, until He called me to do more than trust.
Starting this blog alone was a massive mountain. It wasn’t the writing or the work load that intimidated me- though I didn’t realize how much work went into it. It was more of the basic thoughts like- who will read this? Who would listen to me? What do I really have to offer? Even still, I stepped out in faith.
I laid aside my dreams and my goals in exchange for His. But nothing prepared me for the journey I was about to partake in…
Of all the surprises Rafael and I have had together- baby #1, baby #2, God providing us a new home and a van- then baby #3, baby #4. When I was about 7 months pregnant with Indie (#4), God called Rafael to leave his job. A job he had worked at for well over 6 years. It was hard to navigate the job pool and we found ourselves praying together night after night.
Two job opportunities came- both sounded great, but we weren’t sure what to do. We sat in our hallway late one night praying- and God answered. But not the way we thought He would. In fact His answer was the complete opposite of the one we thought we should take, but God laid this verse from Ruth on my heart to share with him that night:
for where you go, I will go, and where you sleep, I will sleep. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. 17 Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord do so to me, and worse, if anything but death separates me from you.” -Ruth 1: 16-17
But something strange happened when I said that. A name embedded in my heart. A new name. One I didn’t need for the little boy I was carrying. God had already given me his name. I knew immediately that my heart had conceived something that my body didn’t have yet. I wrote all of that down in the notes on my phone sitting in the Lowes parking lot a couple of moths later, but even then I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of adding to our family anytime soon.
Making My Own Plans
I was entirely fixed on welcoming another baby when the time was right. But I assumed the “right time” was probably a few years from now. A bare minimum of two, right? I had Indie and Ivy about 19 months apart. And that seemed way too close. His pregnancy was so hard and it seemed to make sense to me that it was hard because my body needed more time. So when God asked me to trust Him this time, I did.
But I didn’t really. Because I said “I trust God to determine the size of our family.” But in my head I believed that waiting was what was best for me- and God knew that, right? He knew what I needed. His plans are for me, so I can trust Him to do things in His perfect timing- which is probably in about 2 to 4 years.
Saying it now I see it so clearly. I trusted in my own plans and my understandings. For a season, I forgot that I was not my own and I expected God to bend His will to mine and grow my desires to His before anything ever actually happened.
I trusted in my plans, and called them God’s.
Mamas, we are planners- even those of us who don’t come by it naturally. The moment we find out we are having a baby something inside of us starts planning. We list out everything we will need, all the milestones and memories we hope for. By the time we meet our sweet one face to face, we already have anticipated that first day of school, hoped for who they would become, and prayed over future spouses and children.
So when God called us out of the drop off line and into homeschool. Or when they are faced with difficulties we never dreamed they would have- it is easy to lose sight of who the real Author is and start to wonder why our own plans fell through.
When My Plans Fell Through
September 1, 2022. Without any major tell tale symptoms. Without any planning. With nothing more than a feeling that something was off and my anxiety worse than it had been since high school- 2 little lines appeared. I was so certain I wasn’t pregnant that I didn’t realize the one line that showed first was the one that was supposed to come through only if you were pregnant. I first deemed it negative and walked away. When I checked again, 2 bright lines..
I called the clinic I used to volunteer at and asked for an ultrasound. Without any symptoms, I worried something was wrong. I was terrified to go that day. But for the first time in a few months I truly trusted God. I knew if everything was okay, He was good. I knew if something was wrong, He was still good. Suddenly I was so aware that I really wasn’t my own. My body, my dreams, my goals,- whether or not I got to keep this new little surprise- everything was ultimately God’s. This is His story, His plan- and I am simply called to be obedient to Him. I am His. And I was learning to fully trust in that!
A Special Announcement
So if you are still wondering- we are expecting baby #5! And yes, that sounds crazy to us too! We get strange looks when we announce and a lot of “Don’t you know what causes that?”
And I can safely and wholeheartedly say- Yes, we do. God does. There isn’t one child on Earth today that He didn’t plan for. There isn’t one human walking the earth that wasn’t made in His image and loved all the way to the cross. (Including you!)
Yes my hands are full, but so is my heart. No, I don’t know how to balance it all yet, but I trust in the one who can teach me. The one who has billions of us running around and yet He still knows the number of hairs on our heads.
Rafael and I ask that you pray for us- for this baby, pregnancy, delivery- and most importantly for the new little soul that is joining us in April! Our prayer for all of our babies is simple- that they will love God with all their hearts for all their lives.
I hope that you are fully trusting in Him today. If you aren’t- believe me, His story is far better than any we could ever dream of writing on our own. He’s got this, Mama.
So here’s to our newest arrow and a new season of learning to trust!